Unplanned

I ran down to the edge of the water last night and nobody else was out... usher in the cold days and nights when solitude is no stranger of mine. I took in deep breaths of salty air and tried to get my tired, overworked mind to settle down a little. I sat, staring at the dark surf for a while, a little terrified of the dark expanse and a lot touched by the soundtrack of moving water.

I once had a love and I was hopeful and a dreamer and bright and bold and daring. In the middle of it I became scared and sad and someone far away from this... Now I'm left nervous and timid and shattered and insecure. I've got a second chance, but have no idea what to do...

Hey, when the sweetness is gone, what's going to be left? When the butterflies fade, what's going to stick around?

Maintenant

Do you know the difference between attachment and love?

I am not very happy with myself at the moment.

Left Wanting

I need more than this...

Jumbled

I'm dead tired at the moment after having spent most of the day running around doing errands, shopping, cleaning, packing, unpacking, moving, assembling, driving... My body is feeling it too, I can tell, especially now as my throat is getting that dreaded scratchiness.

But I'm really excited because all this frantic running around means that I'm finally moving back to the beach (or close enough to it). Spending the past several months living out of a duffel bag in an unfamiliar house has left me feeling definitely unsettled, and I welcome calling someplace home for a while.

I can't wait to get my dresser and bookcase all set up. I'm eagerly awaiting the moment when I'm completely unpacked, and I stand back and see my books arranged on the shelves, clothes tucked away in drawers, bed made and inviting and for me, everything just okay.......

I don't want to forget the most important element in all of this: the ocean. The past several weeks have been especially hectic and tiring for me, and I feel somewhat disconnected from the water. I spent a quick thirty minutes the other night running alongside the beach and just the smell, the sand, and seeing waves breaking as the sun was setting put a huge smile on my face and gave me an immense sense of peace. It was my first time in over a week that I'd seen the ocean and it felt good, it felt right.

So now I look forward to tomorrow. It'll be my first night in the new place and I feel like this is just the start of something good...

Life Lessons

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

I'm Bad at This

So I'm lying in bed, under the covers, and though I should be taking a nap right now, I've had so much on my mind the past couple of days that I thought I could write out a quick blog entry. My mind's a bit woozy and slow right now but I'll try to get it all out as best as I can...

It's been a really, really good feeling being back in education and working with like-minded people who are passionate about students. Every day I get to sit with my colleagues, and though we might not be completely compatible on every level, I love being surrounded by people who are committed to working for the good of students.

My boss is a lawyer whose specialty is in social justice and civil rights, and she often remarks that many people don't understand why she's working in education at a district office. I find that puzzling that people can't see the strong correlation between social justice, equality, civil rights, and education.

Maybe it's because I majored in Asian American Studies in college, but to me, education and social justice go hand in hand. I mean, even the AAS movement occurred as a direct result of what was going on in college campuses in the Bay Area during the 60s. And education, campus life, and students were catalysts for change and progress - without their mobilization, much of the social movements during the 50s and 60s would not have been as effective or possible.

But I'm going to be working with students at a much younger age on a micro level, and it makes me excited still. I recognize that working with students one on one opens the door for positive influence that can effect change that lasts and resonates within a larger sphere. Mostly I'm thrilled with the opportunity to see individual results in students.

We were sitting around yesterday talking about cultural sensitivity, and my boss got on the topic of compassion. Where has compassion gone from our every day lives, and what are people being taught today about it? Where has our relationship with compassionate living gone? I believe humans are intrinsically selfish, but with the capacity for great compassion and generosity, though those qualities are ones that must be honed and constantly worked at.

And with kids, in this technologically advanced and hyperinformed era, are they being taught to care, to empathize, to be emotive? (Don't even get me started on standardized testing and NCLB.)

Okay, my body and mind are both weak...

Alcahest

Nothing much, I suppose. Sometimes a good day is just a good day, simple as that. Sometimes a day is so good in its simplicity that it's worth writing about, in and of itself.

Just to remind myself, of course.

I let myself sleep in (7:30 AM counts as sleeping in) this morning, waking up to full sunlight. For some reason, I really dislike waking up to the sun already at full mast as it makes me feel as though a huge portion of my day has already been wasted. But I shook it off and blamed necessity, and took my time this morning making breakfast and lounging before I headed off to go for a surf. I treasure leisurely paced mornings and so, I just let myself be. How nice it is to take it slow and easy...

It really didn't even bother me much that the wind was already working its onshore magic, so I paddled out in toasty water and choppy waves. I only had my fish and I caught one really fun backside wave that left me with the biggest smile I could imagine. My first thought was B.F., since I knew he would be completely stocked for me (yeah, B.F.?), and that one wave was enough to make up for all the other kooky waves I had this morning. No worries beef curry, everything is good as gold.

The smiles continued as I grabbed lunch with P, who I haven't hung out with in a while. We typically spend all of our days at work chatting online about complete bullshit, but since I started this new job, we haven't had much time to talk. It's funny, but with my friends, if I don't see or talk to them for even one or two days, it feels as though a ton of time has elapsed. I don't know how we got to this point, since we've always been so independent; in the past, we could spend days and weeks not speaking and come together as if we had just seen each other yesterday. But this new sense of integration is strange...

Anyway, afterward, P and I went over to his house, where K joined us. We baked brownies, ate ice cream, talked about K's upcoming show, and I sat and read some more of The Crossing, though I kept getting interrupted so much that I finally gave up.

I went running at the Fully Loop later that afternoon, loving the feeling of dirt under my feet and doing nothing more than putting one foot in front of the other. I often forget the enjoyment I have when I run, not so much on the pavement, but when I'm under trees and on the dirt. And especially tonight when I hit the Loop right when the sun was fading and the full moon rose to illuminate the trails, I felt exhilarated and thrilled. I have had such a love/hate relationship with running over the years and don't do it nearly as much as I once had. But running, more than anything else I do in my life, has taught me the essential lesson that nobody ever gets farther in life without taking another step forward. And maybe that is the one thing I love most about running: the fact that you can always take another step, no matter how small or slowly.

I struggle with the fact that I have the ability to sometimes take my fun too seriously. I'm getting to the point where I'm trying hard not to rigidly define what I deem "fun" in my life. This sounds all so unusual, doesn't it? How does one define what's "fun" and then standardize it? But I guess that's what happens sometimes, for myself at least. It becomes difficult because when I start setting boundaries and levels for what gives me pleasure, I begin to feel completely obligated and imprisoned, thus stripping the joy out of it.

I don't like to disappoint people, and what ends up happening a lot of times is that I'm so focused on not disappointing others that I lose sight of what makes me happy. Happiness is simple, yet incredibly complex in that simplicity. The pursuit of happiness is merely following whatever brings me satisfaction and completion, but it's often tempered by public perception, outside pressure, or even what other people deem as necessary for personal happiness.

I love surfing more than anything, but at times feel obligated to love it because people expect me to. I see the disappointment on people's faces, in their tone of voice, and through their comments when I skip a day of surf to go ride or run or read or do something else. And it leaves me feeling as though I've done something wrong for pursuing many different things that I enjoy that make up who I am. Happiness is multi-faceted, as people are, and I wish just that simple fact could be accepted.

Anyway, I just spent a ton of time writing on and off and now it's way past my bedtime.......

Look who's laughing now that you've wasted
How many years and you've barely even tasted
Anything remotely close to
Everything you've boasted about
Look who's crying now

Me-Shaped Space

Sometimes the loneliest feeling is sitting in a group of people, smiling and laughing but feeling completely alone and misunderstood. It's times like those when I feel disoriented, playing a character that cares, that quips in once every so often to partake in what's going on. But it's times like those when I feel like I'm searching, waiting, wanting something or someone who makes it all effortless and easy...

Aren't we all on that search for something that makes us feel like we belong?

I think about my future and what exactly it is that I want. Am I on the path to achieving all that I want? I know life doesn't necessarily work that way; life and the universe unfold in ways that are uncontrollable, and to try to reign it in would probably ensure a boring existence.

I never realized how important certain things are to me until I came across people who have it. B.F. and his family spend every weekend morning at the beach, waking up at sunrise to catch a spot at their local break year-round. Three kids, a dog, wife and husband who devote their lives to being outside, in the water, spending time together... I want that. It's a simple dream, but one that requires passion and devotion and shared priorities.

Most people don't get it, most people never will.

Ravenous

The house is empty. It's completely silent, and I'm alone.

I've been craving this: the solitude and quiet of just myself and nobody else. I've spent the past couple of weeks in overdrive, spending time with people and running around trying to get things done. I haven't gotten home early enough in the past two weeks to say goodnight to my aunt and uncle, or even to get more than a measly five or so hours of sleep a night. For some, this is normal and a lifestyle they choose, but I crave decompression.

I had the worst surf session I've ever had tonight. I drove down to San O after work, hoping that the conditions would be better there than up here. During my drive down, I felt fatigued and sluggish, even nodding off at times during the commute only to jolt awake when my car would drift to one side of the lane. I figured it wasn't really a good sign as to how my session would go, but I had been missing my board and felt amped nonetheless.

When I got there, it was still warm out, but the onshore winds left the ocean looking choppy and unruly. Bigger waves than I saw yesterday and without as packed of a crowd as usual for San O. I paddled out at The Point and within a few minutes caught a wave, but then it pretty much went downhill from there. It seemed like after that one wave, I couldn't do anything right, from paddling like a kook to taking off like a kook to feeling like a kook.

I called my session quits pretty quickly, as I knew staying out would only make me even more frustrated and upset. I was tired, fatigued, worn out... I didn't really feel like talking to or seeing anyone, and I knew I had a slight edge to me. Driving out of San O, I saw the sunset, though, with its muted oranges, yellows, and purples and I felt slightly cured of my crabbiness.

The pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream that I'm eating now doesn't hurt either.

It's surreal to think about who comes and goes from your life within a short span of time. Four months ago, I was still in a relationship with someone I had loved at that time, only to have it disintegrate into oblivion. I don't feel much of anything besides indifference these days, but at that time, a sizable portion of my world included this person. Four months ago, I didn't know B.F., and it's weird to think that someone who had been a relative stranger to me has now become one of the people I care about deeply who knows me almost as well as any of my other closest friends.

How fleeting are human attachments?

I don't allow myself to trust people easily, more so now than ever before. I call it a healthy dose of cautiousness, though I recognize that I push people away in order to prevent myself from becoming too vulnerable.

I have a tendency of being too honest with other people and not honest enough with myself. I've been easily duped in the past because I believe people. I believe people are not duplicitous, that what you see is what you get, and that when you ask them a question, what they say when they look at you face to face, in the eye, is the truth.

Why am I writing this? I don't know; again, I'm tired, and this is all stuff I've been mulling over in my mind. Some days I wish I could will myself not to care and to operate on the superficial, but I don't function that way. People who I let into my life mean something to me, and I lack the ability to float on the surface.

No more, this is enough for now. Push away, draw in... I'm stuck in the middle of myself.




Kings of Leon - Use Somebody

Disappear

TSJ | POV - "Dan Malloy & Dane Reynolds Board Swap" from The Surfer's Journal on Vimeo.

This one is better viewed full screen: